Post by Krysta on Jul 17, 2012 4:59:43 GMT -5
I don't know why, but I started thinking about why I don't like people very much and I came to a realization. It's not people that I do not like, it's people high on the food chain of life. Well, I will start from the beginning and make it as simple, quick and short as possible. Because I don't really feel like having to explain certain things at the moment.
When I was born I was born with a rare birth defect. My heart let's just say is very weak and chances are I may need to have surgery again. Basically, when I was being born my heart was so weak that it kept stopping. Eventually I was born though a month earlier then I was suppose to be born. My mother had told me that when the doctor held me I wasn't breathing and they had to basically bring me back to live. I had also been born around the time that if I happened to be born a year earlier, they would have just let me die instead of helping me live. Especially since I was born with ears that stuck out, which in Europe, is a sign of royalty.
Anyway, during the times I was growing up I had constant black outs. I had literally blacked out for a year or more because I do NOT remember anything from when I was five years old. I also remember going into said black outs and coming out of them. One I remember was going with my father to the babysitter, who happened to speak spanish and german, and just as soon as we had got to her house, I blacked out and when I woke up, I was at home in my bed. Now, I do not remember anything about a beautiful black haired German women who taught me German and Spanish at all, but I do remember a German woman with curly dark brown hair who happened to be so nice when I was alone, but around other children she was a bitch. I do not want to point any figures or make myself out as a bad person, but I happened to be the only white half European kid she was watching. I will not say what the other kids were. Also, regarding the kids there was this girl I remember I loved to play with. But adding to the black outs I do not remember a thing about waking up at night crying saying that the girl that was my best friend was after me and trying to kill me, and that she was under my bed. What I do remember though was she was basically the leader of the kids who had always gone and since I was the 'new kid' the woman was babysitting I was an easy target. I remember the woman gave us all ice cream and my 'best friend' said "This is your first ice cream?" and I told her that it was, the next thing I new the ice-cream bowl was taken away and I was given cereal and the babysitter was pissed. One the babysitter left the girl asked "Oh, where's your ice-cream?" and licked her ice-cream with a smug look on her face.
Also what I do not remember was the fact that the girls parents were VERY religious and thus told her that if she wanted to get candy on halloween or get presents on christmas then she would have to worship the 'Devil' because those days were the 'Devil's Holidays'. Also what I do not remember do to the black outs is my mother coming into my room while I am having a tea party. She asked who I was having a tea party with and I replied I was having tea with the devil. When she asked 'what about God' she said that I started growling and telling god to shut-up and stuff. She called my dad home from his work in a military hospital to come and protect her from me because she thought I was possessed.
Now, fast forward from when I was three to when I was four. You see, during the years that I had been growing up I had not grown or changed one little bit. At age four I looked like a walking talking newborn baby. My parents kept taking me to professional doctors and they kept saying that with their years of experience that I was perfectly fine, even though all of the echos they had gained of my heart was telling them that something was wrong and that I held a terrible murmur and the fact that my feet and face were turning blue right in front of their eyes too. Eventually, when my dad was moving us out of Europe he took me to a newbie army medical doctor, fresh out of school, and she told them that if I didn't get surgery soon, I would be dead at the age of 14. Eventually I had surgery a week later in Washington I believe by a VERY experienced surgeon.
Now I shall fast forward to first grade of school. You see, if you remember from the first paragraph, I was born with my ears sticking out. Because of that, I was constantly called 'Dumbo' by the kids who had the most friends and who's parents were high up in the list of military rank. Because of that my parents had surgery on my ears. They had to sew them back so they would stick to my head instead of sticking out like a 'Dumbo'. Because of that my ears didn't grow well and so, I have tiny ears and hate to cut my hair short because people see them and I see them giggling about it behind my back. That was in highschool.
Now fast forward again. I was living in a military home and this was during the time that my dad had been sent to Iraq. My family and I had been doing good till, like any child at the age of two I believe, my baby brother went into the 'streaking' phase. Now, during the time that my dad had been gone, my grandma would visit for a week once a month every month to help keep an eye on my mother and my family. My dad had been told that my mother would be helped by some of the military men who were staying to help support the wives of the men out in battle but they didn't help. Not one bit. Well, my mom had gone to the store to go and get groceries and my grandma had just gotten there. Well, while I was cleaning my room(which at the time happened to be a big mess and needed to be cleaned) and my grandma was cooking food, my little brother found out how to unlock the 'child proof locks' on the back door and got out, ditched his diaper, and started jumping the fences all around town. One of my other little brothers were napping and the other one, at the time, had severe Autism, and had yet to be put on medication to help him control some of his... rampages and understanding certain things. So, we were more preoccupied with watching him then the littlest at the time. We didn't know that for the past 30 minutes, military police officers were chasing the baby and climbing fences to try and get him. Which is funny, they are trained hard for their job yet they couldn't catch a kid. And on top of that, they were all pissed when they had to go through training again after that. Anyway, they knocked on the door after catching him and asked my grandma to come out. She went out and picked him up and, seeing as he was red faced and about to pass out from heat and lack of water, she wanted to take him inside but they wouldn't let her and kept her out in the yard with him for another 30 minutes. Finally, they came to the door and I answered. The chief or leader or whatever asked if he could come in and I told him, and I quote, 'I am terribly sorry. But I shall have to deny your request for my mother isn't home and would not appreciate it.' Yeah, that's what I said, was reading Series of Unfortunate Events at the time and on top of that, my mom prided herself in teaching her children how to speak properly. All he did was laugh, call me cute, placed a hand on my shoulder, push me aside, and step right into the house uninvited. While inside, they started taking pictures of the house! My mom had been ironing so the ironing board was out, my grandma had been cooking so pots and pans were out, my brothers had been playing so their room was a mess, and as for my room? Well, let's just say the new stress of having to help my mom with household chores and taking care of my brothers kept me from thinking about my own room. Few minutes later they ordered us like soldiers to put on shoes and stuff and get in their big vans. One van for each kid with a few military people sitting with them.
You know what else is screwy? My mom came home and found the officers there, taking pictures and doing god knows what with the stuff of ours they were rummaging through and when she went to the hospital to go and pick her children up, everyone smiled brightly and said 'Hey! it's the mother! Whoooo! Welcome!' LIKE THEY WERE HAVING FUCKING TEA AND COOKIES! So that day, since it was so early in the morning, we go no breakfast, no lunch, and a dinner of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before instantly being put in the bath. Me being 12 at the time had 'the talk' with my mother and naturally, I wanted to be alone in the bath. But nooooooo, I had to have a MAN WATCHING ME BATHE! Thank god he allowed the curtain to be closed though. And then after that, we were instantly sent to bed. The next day, I was woken up at five in the morning for breakfast and I was to sit on the couch in the living room while they took garbage bags and started throwing away what they believed was useless junk. Fuck, they threw out half of my wardrobe. All of it was T-shirts and shorts. All I had left was pants and long sleeve winter shirts. Yeah, it was in the middle of freaking June too. They also took down our pool and labeled it as 'dangerous' for kids. Hell dude, it was a kitty pool for crying out loud. So, not only did they throw away tons of stuff, like for one, my mother was homeschooling us all because we had learning disorders and the teachers in schools didn't know how to work with kids like that at the time, they threw away everything my mom had on school. Hell, my mom even had this medical book for those who grow medical gardens and they threw those away too saying they were 'evil'. The next thing I knew, they were telling me that they wanted me too 'meet some nice people who would take better care of me then my parents would' and hell, I got stubborn and told them no, gave them angry faces when they asked me to smile. Oh yes, I was showing them I was angry and knew exactly what they were doing. Hell, they even started taking me away from my parents and having me stay with them and their kids to 'show me real happy families'. Eventually my dad came back from Iraq finding out about all of this and they issued my mom as 'mentally unstable' and was getting ready to kick him out of the military because of her 'mental state' they wouldn't be able to send my dad back to Iraq, so they had no use for him. Also during the same time my parents relationship had been very rocky, for when he came back my dad came back with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Hell, he couldn't even be around big cities during the 4th of July or even have fireworks because every time he heard a firework go off, his mind told him he was back in Iraq and he started acting crazy and shit. Eventually he got on medication and he got some good help... from normal therapists.
Finally though, during the time that he had come back, he couldn't stand the officers just waltzing right into the house without so much as a 'hello' and took us to Florida for a vacation.
Now, here's another part of my crappy life in a nutshell. As I have said I was about 12 during all this and had just had 'the talk' with my mom. Well, during our stay with my grandmother and my stepgrandfather who is no longer in the family due to divorce by my grandmother decided to 'comfort' me during my parents yelling and screaming at each other about wanting a divorce. How it started was he would have me always in the same room as him, he was never in a different room unless I was in the bathroom. He started by lending an ear and listening to what was going on and basically being a shoulder to cry on. Now, lemme give you a bit of history on this old fart. He use to be a guard in the police force. He worked in the jails, watching the womens section but was 'transferred' to the males section because he was -clears throat- Getting it on with the female prisoners and they were unwilling. Well, one of the male inmates happened to like this certain female inmate that he had relations with and stabbed him in the gut. That was when he met my grandma in the hospital and she happened to be a nurse and yeah, basically it as pity love. Well, during the time that he had been dating my grandmother, he had been screwing around with other sexy young things, waving his badge around. I mean fuck, I found HER BRA UNDER MY PILLOW WHEN I CAME HOME.((mind you this was when I was living in Florida before all the shit happened)) Okay, now back to what I was talking about, anyway, he was a ear to listen to my problems and eventually he started having me sit in his lap... with his hands in my crotch. At the time I didn't think it was bad, just an accident till he had my sit in his lap while I was on the computer playing a game and no matter how many times I moved his hand away from my crotch, few second later it was right back where it was. Now, when he had married my grandma when I was younger he had been 'retired early' and became a priest... Yeah, fuck the world everyone. Anyway, I noticed it was getting bad and I would try and stay as far from him as possible, till he decided he wanted to play a board game. Found out he was a sore looser because every time he lost he got up, grabbed me from behind, stuck his hands up my shirt and yeah, played for a few minutes. The first time I didn't know what was going on, the second time I ran and tried to hide under the table. He caught me, held my arms began my back like a captured criminal, pushed me down to the ground, and did it again for a few minutes while giving out pleasure moans. The third time I didn't fight and he wasn't very happy about it. No, I wasn't raped, only molested. And no one believed it till I went into a deep depression that lasted from age 12 to age 14 when I finally had someone listening to me.
Then, when I was at age 15 he(Of which retired from being a priest) and my grandma had been thinking about getting back together after their first divorce and decided to take me on a trip around America. Yeah, when my grandma wasn't looking he would back me up against the wall and kiss my neck while holding my hips. He did this few times till I finally couldn't stand it and pulled out my grandfather old pocket knife, which the blade was dull as hell, couldn't cut shit, and the blade was about half the side of an adult pinky and held it in front of me when he was pressing his body against mine. Yeah, he gave a dramatic loud yelp and told my grandma I stabbed him for no reason. That was when I finally snapped and said 'I do not care for humans, get lost.' Which to me is kinda funny seeing as I was hooked on the show Inuyasha back then and those were close to some of the lines that Sesshomaru would say. Right after that they took me home.
Also, I had once gotten a social worker due to suggestion of my therapist around the time. The social worker worked with kids who had alcoholic parents but not normal kids with problems. When she would get me alone she instantly started asking shit like 'have your parents ever had sex in front of you?' and I'm all like, I know what she's doing, the military officers did the same when I was 12 and told her truthfully that they didn't. Then she asked 'have they had sex with you?' and 'What about your brothers? Have they seen your parents have sex? Have they had sex with your parents? Are your parents beating you up? Do they call you a whore?' and all that type of shit. And I told her no and told her I wanted to go home, while going home she kept saying 'it's okay, you can speak with me about it, what is said between us stays between us'. I just didn't speak. Eventually, she came by when my parents weren't home and I told her she couldn't come in, she, just like the military officer when I was 12, touched my shoulder, but instead of just pushing herself in, she said, 'It's okay, they will be happy to see me.' and came into the house without me saying if she could or not. Now, we had been unpacking things at the time and also around that time my great grandma had just died and he had gained allot of her things. So we were sorting through what we were gonna keep and looking for her will to see what objects would go to whom. Anyway, she saw the little mess and instantly said that she would 'see me later' and left. About fifteen minutes later police officers show up and again, pushed me aside to get into the house and they start taking pictures. And thus started another war where they took me and my brothers from our parents and tried to set us with other people who show us a 'good family'. And guess what, the social worker had said that there were maggots crawling on the floor. That wasn't maggots, what happened was when she looked in my parents room, a pipe happened to bust and thus water started pouring out and I had to take care of it. But yeah, ended up for two months at my grandmas house with my brothers with NOTHING but the clothes on my body and a tooth brush. Because they wouldn't allow us to get at least a little packed. I mean, god damn, at the time I had been on my period and they wouldn't let me get the stuff for it. My grandma had to give me an old rag of hers and that's what I used! I would have to say that was the second worst summer of my life. The one where I was molested being the first.
Also, I don't want to get off topic here, but there is something else I have to say about certain people I don't like... Religious nuts. I mean, go ahead, believe what you want to believe in, but don't preach about it unless it is your job. I once had a friend in high school who's parents were overly religious. Hell, they found out my aunt happened to be Muslim, married to my uncle and my friend asked, "Does she believe in Jesus, if she doesn't then she will go to hell." I told her yes, that my aunt believed him to be a great Prophet. Her father came into the room and said, "Who are you talking about?" and my friend told her father about my aunt and that she believed Jesus was a great Prophet. He gave me an angry face and said, "Oh no, I am sorry, but she's going to hell there is no doubt about it." What's strange here is that fifty minutes ago he was telling me how God loves everyone and wouldn't ever give a single soul to the 'Devil' and that he is a merciful God and all this stuff, then suddenly he tells me my aunt is going to tell and that God, and I quote 'will make sure she doesn't get through the gates of heaven.' Now, this came as quiet a shock to me, especially when my friend looked at me and said 'Sorry, but what he says is true.' That next coming Sunday I went to Church with my grandma and spoke with the Priest there, he said that no matter what she believes in, as long as she is a good person and had not sinned in any other way then there is no way that God will let her burn in Hell.
Now, to understand a bit about me here you gotta know, I do not go with one religion. Because my family are so branched out I just take the good from all religions and accept what they believe in though I do not worship like they do. On my grandmas side are Celts and Christians. On my fathers side, well, we do not know much about his lineage. But I do know that allot of my family who I do know, each worship something in their own special way. After all that happened with my friends father saying that, everything basically went down the toilet and I had TONS of people just walking up to me on the streets saying that they wanted to 'save' me from my 'Demon Aunt'. Damn, she doesn't even hurt flies, literally, she catches the fly in a cup, takes a playing card and slips it under the cup, before setting the fly free out in the yard. Hell, she will do it for spiders too and I know how much she doesn't like them.
I know this all seems like rants and in a way, it kinda is. How I started thinking about all this was this morning I was searching for a gift for my dad for his birthday and found the perfect one. Then my dad decides to look into the September 11th attacks. Now, when I hear September 11th, I smile, that is my dads birthday after all. But when I hear about the attacks, I start getting very angry. I didn't understand why till now. Because whenever I think about September 11th, I don't think about the attack on the Twin Towers. I think about all the shit that had happened afterwards. And now I know why I also hate people with high power. Like Police Chiefs and stuffs. I mean, I love the military soldiers, just not the people who are so high up that they think they can do anything with the wave of their hand.
Also, one more thing to add to the list of reasons I do not like people with high ranks in, well... anything. In high school, I was the geeky goth and there was this new kid that began harassing me. Eventually he started hitting me in the head on the bus, giving me a good whack before and after school when the bus driver wasn't watching. Me being the quiet girl at the time I was the perfect victim I guess. What happened was I snapped and blacked out. The first black out I have had since I was six years old, and found myself in the principals office for slapping a kid on the bus who had been calling me a freak as well as telling people I was a vampire named Raven and that I quoted Robin Hood and said that if he didn't leave me alone I would cut his heart out with a spoon. I literally do not remember any of this, everything was black, like I was asleep. So, for all I know he could have been lying. Well, I suffered in school suspension and while I was in the room serving my 'time' as the students called it, I heard him saying 'Where is that little goth bitch? God damn I really wanted to see her in detention with me.' After that I got on the bus to go home and his little brother threatened to kill me with a pencil through my heart. Honestly, how stupid do you have to be to try and do that? Anyway, he had started bugging me again and this girl told him to leave me alone. Of which he ATTACKED her to the point she fell out of her bus seat and hid under it while he was trying to climb over the seat to get her, telling her to 'stfu'. He noticed that I was watching and taking everything in and asked where I lived. I told him that was none of his business till one of the girls(for everyone of the bus was now scared shitless of him)told him where I lived and he gave me a smile and said, "My father is in the military, he has the gun at home and I know where you live." That evening I told my parents what happened and they contacted the police. I found out afterwards that he lied when I 'said' that I was going to cut his heart out with a spoon' and apparently, almost the entire female student body started reporting things he was doing to him. After that they started a 'no bullying' program and asked me to come and speak. Of which I told my mom I didn't want to and she said, and I quote, 'Go and shove it up your ass'. During the time I was in school after that the principal didn absolutely nothing, because he wanted to keep all of his 'gone a year without bullies' awords and while I was in his office, serving my 'time' I was shaking, I felt like I was going to throw up, I felt like I was going to pass out, and he was asking me why I wasn't eating. I told him I was having a mental breakdown and that I didn't want to eat. Then he sent for a couple of teachers who weren't working at the moment and they force fed me, all the while I was crying and complaining that I was going to throw up. Right after the food was gone and in my stomach, I did throw up, and they sent me home. At the same time, the dude who was bullying me was telling everyone 'I'm sick I'm sick' and called his mom to come and pick him up. Once he saw her he dropped the 'i'm sick' act and said, 'Come on mom, let's get the hell outta here.' He is added to the list because of his POWER OVER THE FEMALE STUDENT BODY.
Yeah, well that's part of my life in a nutshell. And right now, I am thinking about how fucked my life really is and how anyone will do anything to get what they want and me, I am just an innocent bystander. I don't expect anyone to read this, but hell, if ya do, ask questions. But don't diss me if I say something you weren't expecting. I mean, this is stuff I have been through and experienced. You try spending a day in my shoes during any one of those moments. And on top of that, all of these memories didn't start to fester, and rot, and twitch inside of me till my dad started watching a Documentary on September 11th. Of which I got into an argument with my best and really my only friend and now I feel like a complete, and utter, asshole.
This icon says it's called undecided, but to me it should be called 'void of all emotions and just make a face for the heck of it' cause that's whats going on with me right now.
When I was born I was born with a rare birth defect. My heart let's just say is very weak and chances are I may need to have surgery again. Basically, when I was being born my heart was so weak that it kept stopping. Eventually I was born though a month earlier then I was suppose to be born. My mother had told me that when the doctor held me I wasn't breathing and they had to basically bring me back to live. I had also been born around the time that if I happened to be born a year earlier, they would have just let me die instead of helping me live. Especially since I was born with ears that stuck out, which in Europe, is a sign of royalty.
Anyway, during the times I was growing up I had constant black outs. I had literally blacked out for a year or more because I do NOT remember anything from when I was five years old. I also remember going into said black outs and coming out of them. One I remember was going with my father to the babysitter, who happened to speak spanish and german, and just as soon as we had got to her house, I blacked out and when I woke up, I was at home in my bed. Now, I do not remember anything about a beautiful black haired German women who taught me German and Spanish at all, but I do remember a German woman with curly dark brown hair who happened to be so nice when I was alone, but around other children she was a bitch. I do not want to point any figures or make myself out as a bad person, but I happened to be the only white half European kid she was watching. I will not say what the other kids were. Also, regarding the kids there was this girl I remember I loved to play with. But adding to the black outs I do not remember a thing about waking up at night crying saying that the girl that was my best friend was after me and trying to kill me, and that she was under my bed. What I do remember though was she was basically the leader of the kids who had always gone and since I was the 'new kid' the woman was babysitting I was an easy target. I remember the woman gave us all ice cream and my 'best friend' said "This is your first ice cream?" and I told her that it was, the next thing I new the ice-cream bowl was taken away and I was given cereal and the babysitter was pissed. One the babysitter left the girl asked "Oh, where's your ice-cream?" and licked her ice-cream with a smug look on her face.
Also what I do not remember was the fact that the girls parents were VERY religious and thus told her that if she wanted to get candy on halloween or get presents on christmas then she would have to worship the 'Devil' because those days were the 'Devil's Holidays'. Also what I do not remember do to the black outs is my mother coming into my room while I am having a tea party. She asked who I was having a tea party with and I replied I was having tea with the devil. When she asked 'what about God' she said that I started growling and telling god to shut-up and stuff. She called my dad home from his work in a military hospital to come and protect her from me because she thought I was possessed.
Now, fast forward from when I was three to when I was four. You see, during the years that I had been growing up I had not grown or changed one little bit. At age four I looked like a walking talking newborn baby. My parents kept taking me to professional doctors and they kept saying that with their years of experience that I was perfectly fine, even though all of the echos they had gained of my heart was telling them that something was wrong and that I held a terrible murmur and the fact that my feet and face were turning blue right in front of their eyes too. Eventually, when my dad was moving us out of Europe he took me to a newbie army medical doctor, fresh out of school, and she told them that if I didn't get surgery soon, I would be dead at the age of 14. Eventually I had surgery a week later in Washington I believe by a VERY experienced surgeon.
Now I shall fast forward to first grade of school. You see, if you remember from the first paragraph, I was born with my ears sticking out. Because of that, I was constantly called 'Dumbo' by the kids who had the most friends and who's parents were high up in the list of military rank. Because of that my parents had surgery on my ears. They had to sew them back so they would stick to my head instead of sticking out like a 'Dumbo'. Because of that my ears didn't grow well and so, I have tiny ears and hate to cut my hair short because people see them and I see them giggling about it behind my back. That was in highschool.
Now fast forward again. I was living in a military home and this was during the time that my dad had been sent to Iraq. My family and I had been doing good till, like any child at the age of two I believe, my baby brother went into the 'streaking' phase. Now, during the time that my dad had been gone, my grandma would visit for a week once a month every month to help keep an eye on my mother and my family. My dad had been told that my mother would be helped by some of the military men who were staying to help support the wives of the men out in battle but they didn't help. Not one bit. Well, my mom had gone to the store to go and get groceries and my grandma had just gotten there. Well, while I was cleaning my room(which at the time happened to be a big mess and needed to be cleaned) and my grandma was cooking food, my little brother found out how to unlock the 'child proof locks' on the back door and got out, ditched his diaper, and started jumping the fences all around town. One of my other little brothers were napping and the other one, at the time, had severe Autism, and had yet to be put on medication to help him control some of his... rampages and understanding certain things. So, we were more preoccupied with watching him then the littlest at the time. We didn't know that for the past 30 minutes, military police officers were chasing the baby and climbing fences to try and get him. Which is funny, they are trained hard for their job yet they couldn't catch a kid. And on top of that, they were all pissed when they had to go through training again after that. Anyway, they knocked on the door after catching him and asked my grandma to come out. She went out and picked him up and, seeing as he was red faced and about to pass out from heat and lack of water, she wanted to take him inside but they wouldn't let her and kept her out in the yard with him for another 30 minutes. Finally, they came to the door and I answered. The chief or leader or whatever asked if he could come in and I told him, and I quote, 'I am terribly sorry. But I shall have to deny your request for my mother isn't home and would not appreciate it.' Yeah, that's what I said, was reading Series of Unfortunate Events at the time and on top of that, my mom prided herself in teaching her children how to speak properly. All he did was laugh, call me cute, placed a hand on my shoulder, push me aside, and step right into the house uninvited. While inside, they started taking pictures of the house! My mom had been ironing so the ironing board was out, my grandma had been cooking so pots and pans were out, my brothers had been playing so their room was a mess, and as for my room? Well, let's just say the new stress of having to help my mom with household chores and taking care of my brothers kept me from thinking about my own room. Few minutes later they ordered us like soldiers to put on shoes and stuff and get in their big vans. One van for each kid with a few military people sitting with them.
You know what else is screwy? My mom came home and found the officers there, taking pictures and doing god knows what with the stuff of ours they were rummaging through and when she went to the hospital to go and pick her children up, everyone smiled brightly and said 'Hey! it's the mother! Whoooo! Welcome!' LIKE THEY WERE HAVING FUCKING TEA AND COOKIES! So that day, since it was so early in the morning, we go no breakfast, no lunch, and a dinner of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before instantly being put in the bath. Me being 12 at the time had 'the talk' with my mother and naturally, I wanted to be alone in the bath. But nooooooo, I had to have a MAN WATCHING ME BATHE! Thank god he allowed the curtain to be closed though. And then after that, we were instantly sent to bed. The next day, I was woken up at five in the morning for breakfast and I was to sit on the couch in the living room while they took garbage bags and started throwing away what they believed was useless junk. Fuck, they threw out half of my wardrobe. All of it was T-shirts and shorts. All I had left was pants and long sleeve winter shirts. Yeah, it was in the middle of freaking June too. They also took down our pool and labeled it as 'dangerous' for kids. Hell dude, it was a kitty pool for crying out loud. So, not only did they throw away tons of stuff, like for one, my mother was homeschooling us all because we had learning disorders and the teachers in schools didn't know how to work with kids like that at the time, they threw away everything my mom had on school. Hell, my mom even had this medical book for those who grow medical gardens and they threw those away too saying they were 'evil'. The next thing I knew, they were telling me that they wanted me too 'meet some nice people who would take better care of me then my parents would' and hell, I got stubborn and told them no, gave them angry faces when they asked me to smile. Oh yes, I was showing them I was angry and knew exactly what they were doing. Hell, they even started taking me away from my parents and having me stay with them and their kids to 'show me real happy families'. Eventually my dad came back from Iraq finding out about all of this and they issued my mom as 'mentally unstable' and was getting ready to kick him out of the military because of her 'mental state' they wouldn't be able to send my dad back to Iraq, so they had no use for him. Also during the same time my parents relationship had been very rocky, for when he came back my dad came back with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Hell, he couldn't even be around big cities during the 4th of July or even have fireworks because every time he heard a firework go off, his mind told him he was back in Iraq and he started acting crazy and shit. Eventually he got on medication and he got some good help... from normal therapists.
Finally though, during the time that he had come back, he couldn't stand the officers just waltzing right into the house without so much as a 'hello' and took us to Florida for a vacation.
Now, here's another part of my crappy life in a nutshell. As I have said I was about 12 during all this and had just had 'the talk' with my mom. Well, during our stay with my grandmother and my stepgrandfather who is no longer in the family due to divorce by my grandmother decided to 'comfort' me during my parents yelling and screaming at each other about wanting a divorce. How it started was he would have me always in the same room as him, he was never in a different room unless I was in the bathroom. He started by lending an ear and listening to what was going on and basically being a shoulder to cry on. Now, lemme give you a bit of history on this old fart. He use to be a guard in the police force. He worked in the jails, watching the womens section but was 'transferred' to the males section because he was -clears throat- Getting it on with the female prisoners and they were unwilling. Well, one of the male inmates happened to like this certain female inmate that he had relations with and stabbed him in the gut. That was when he met my grandma in the hospital and she happened to be a nurse and yeah, basically it as pity love. Well, during the time that he had been dating my grandmother, he had been screwing around with other sexy young things, waving his badge around. I mean fuck, I found HER BRA UNDER MY PILLOW WHEN I CAME HOME.((mind you this was when I was living in Florida before all the shit happened)) Okay, now back to what I was talking about, anyway, he was a ear to listen to my problems and eventually he started having me sit in his lap... with his hands in my crotch. At the time I didn't think it was bad, just an accident till he had my sit in his lap while I was on the computer playing a game and no matter how many times I moved his hand away from my crotch, few second later it was right back where it was. Now, when he had married my grandma when I was younger he had been 'retired early' and became a priest... Yeah, fuck the world everyone. Anyway, I noticed it was getting bad and I would try and stay as far from him as possible, till he decided he wanted to play a board game. Found out he was a sore looser because every time he lost he got up, grabbed me from behind, stuck his hands up my shirt and yeah, played for a few minutes. The first time I didn't know what was going on, the second time I ran and tried to hide under the table. He caught me, held my arms began my back like a captured criminal, pushed me down to the ground, and did it again for a few minutes while giving out pleasure moans. The third time I didn't fight and he wasn't very happy about it. No, I wasn't raped, only molested. And no one believed it till I went into a deep depression that lasted from age 12 to age 14 when I finally had someone listening to me.
Then, when I was at age 15 he(Of which retired from being a priest) and my grandma had been thinking about getting back together after their first divorce and decided to take me on a trip around America. Yeah, when my grandma wasn't looking he would back me up against the wall and kiss my neck while holding my hips. He did this few times till I finally couldn't stand it and pulled out my grandfather old pocket knife, which the blade was dull as hell, couldn't cut shit, and the blade was about half the side of an adult pinky and held it in front of me when he was pressing his body against mine. Yeah, he gave a dramatic loud yelp and told my grandma I stabbed him for no reason. That was when I finally snapped and said 'I do not care for humans, get lost.' Which to me is kinda funny seeing as I was hooked on the show Inuyasha back then and those were close to some of the lines that Sesshomaru would say. Right after that they took me home.
Also, I had once gotten a social worker due to suggestion of my therapist around the time. The social worker worked with kids who had alcoholic parents but not normal kids with problems. When she would get me alone she instantly started asking shit like 'have your parents ever had sex in front of you?' and I'm all like, I know what she's doing, the military officers did the same when I was 12 and told her truthfully that they didn't. Then she asked 'have they had sex with you?' and 'What about your brothers? Have they seen your parents have sex? Have they had sex with your parents? Are your parents beating you up? Do they call you a whore?' and all that type of shit. And I told her no and told her I wanted to go home, while going home she kept saying 'it's okay, you can speak with me about it, what is said between us stays between us'. I just didn't speak. Eventually, she came by when my parents weren't home and I told her she couldn't come in, she, just like the military officer when I was 12, touched my shoulder, but instead of just pushing herself in, she said, 'It's okay, they will be happy to see me.' and came into the house without me saying if she could or not. Now, we had been unpacking things at the time and also around that time my great grandma had just died and he had gained allot of her things. So we were sorting through what we were gonna keep and looking for her will to see what objects would go to whom. Anyway, she saw the little mess and instantly said that she would 'see me later' and left. About fifteen minutes later police officers show up and again, pushed me aside to get into the house and they start taking pictures. And thus started another war where they took me and my brothers from our parents and tried to set us with other people who show us a 'good family'. And guess what, the social worker had said that there were maggots crawling on the floor. That wasn't maggots, what happened was when she looked in my parents room, a pipe happened to bust and thus water started pouring out and I had to take care of it. But yeah, ended up for two months at my grandmas house with my brothers with NOTHING but the clothes on my body and a tooth brush. Because they wouldn't allow us to get at least a little packed. I mean, god damn, at the time I had been on my period and they wouldn't let me get the stuff for it. My grandma had to give me an old rag of hers and that's what I used! I would have to say that was the second worst summer of my life. The one where I was molested being the first.
Also, I don't want to get off topic here, but there is something else I have to say about certain people I don't like... Religious nuts. I mean, go ahead, believe what you want to believe in, but don't preach about it unless it is your job. I once had a friend in high school who's parents were overly religious. Hell, they found out my aunt happened to be Muslim, married to my uncle and my friend asked, "Does she believe in Jesus, if she doesn't then she will go to hell." I told her yes, that my aunt believed him to be a great Prophet. Her father came into the room and said, "Who are you talking about?" and my friend told her father about my aunt and that she believed Jesus was a great Prophet. He gave me an angry face and said, "Oh no, I am sorry, but she's going to hell there is no doubt about it." What's strange here is that fifty minutes ago he was telling me how God loves everyone and wouldn't ever give a single soul to the 'Devil' and that he is a merciful God and all this stuff, then suddenly he tells me my aunt is going to tell and that God, and I quote 'will make sure she doesn't get through the gates of heaven.' Now, this came as quiet a shock to me, especially when my friend looked at me and said 'Sorry, but what he says is true.' That next coming Sunday I went to Church with my grandma and spoke with the Priest there, he said that no matter what she believes in, as long as she is a good person and had not sinned in any other way then there is no way that God will let her burn in Hell.
Now, to understand a bit about me here you gotta know, I do not go with one religion. Because my family are so branched out I just take the good from all religions and accept what they believe in though I do not worship like they do. On my grandmas side are Celts and Christians. On my fathers side, well, we do not know much about his lineage. But I do know that allot of my family who I do know, each worship something in their own special way. After all that happened with my friends father saying that, everything basically went down the toilet and I had TONS of people just walking up to me on the streets saying that they wanted to 'save' me from my 'Demon Aunt'. Damn, she doesn't even hurt flies, literally, she catches the fly in a cup, takes a playing card and slips it under the cup, before setting the fly free out in the yard. Hell, she will do it for spiders too and I know how much she doesn't like them.
I know this all seems like rants and in a way, it kinda is. How I started thinking about all this was this morning I was searching for a gift for my dad for his birthday and found the perfect one. Then my dad decides to look into the September 11th attacks. Now, when I hear September 11th, I smile, that is my dads birthday after all. But when I hear about the attacks, I start getting very angry. I didn't understand why till now. Because whenever I think about September 11th, I don't think about the attack on the Twin Towers. I think about all the shit that had happened afterwards. And now I know why I also hate people with high power. Like Police Chiefs and stuffs. I mean, I love the military soldiers, just not the people who are so high up that they think they can do anything with the wave of their hand.
Also, one more thing to add to the list of reasons I do not like people with high ranks in, well... anything. In high school, I was the geeky goth and there was this new kid that began harassing me. Eventually he started hitting me in the head on the bus, giving me a good whack before and after school when the bus driver wasn't watching. Me being the quiet girl at the time I was the perfect victim I guess. What happened was I snapped and blacked out. The first black out I have had since I was six years old, and found myself in the principals office for slapping a kid on the bus who had been calling me a freak as well as telling people I was a vampire named Raven and that I quoted Robin Hood and said that if he didn't leave me alone I would cut his heart out with a spoon. I literally do not remember any of this, everything was black, like I was asleep. So, for all I know he could have been lying. Well, I suffered in school suspension and while I was in the room serving my 'time' as the students called it, I heard him saying 'Where is that little goth bitch? God damn I really wanted to see her in detention with me.' After that I got on the bus to go home and his little brother threatened to kill me with a pencil through my heart. Honestly, how stupid do you have to be to try and do that? Anyway, he had started bugging me again and this girl told him to leave me alone. Of which he ATTACKED her to the point she fell out of her bus seat and hid under it while he was trying to climb over the seat to get her, telling her to 'stfu'. He noticed that I was watching and taking everything in and asked where I lived. I told him that was none of his business till one of the girls(for everyone of the bus was now scared shitless of him)told him where I lived and he gave me a smile and said, "My father is in the military, he has the gun at home and I know where you live." That evening I told my parents what happened and they contacted the police. I found out afterwards that he lied when I 'said' that I was going to cut his heart out with a spoon' and apparently, almost the entire female student body started reporting things he was doing to him. After that they started a 'no bullying' program and asked me to come and speak. Of which I told my mom I didn't want to and she said, and I quote, 'Go and shove it up your ass'. During the time I was in school after that the principal didn absolutely nothing, because he wanted to keep all of his 'gone a year without bullies' awords and while I was in his office, serving my 'time' I was shaking, I felt like I was going to throw up, I felt like I was going to pass out, and he was asking me why I wasn't eating. I told him I was having a mental breakdown and that I didn't want to eat. Then he sent for a couple of teachers who weren't working at the moment and they force fed me, all the while I was crying and complaining that I was going to throw up. Right after the food was gone and in my stomach, I did throw up, and they sent me home. At the same time, the dude who was bullying me was telling everyone 'I'm sick I'm sick' and called his mom to come and pick him up. Once he saw her he dropped the 'i'm sick' act and said, 'Come on mom, let's get the hell outta here.' He is added to the list because of his POWER OVER THE FEMALE STUDENT BODY.
Yeah, well that's part of my life in a nutshell. And right now, I am thinking about how fucked my life really is and how anyone will do anything to get what they want and me, I am just an innocent bystander. I don't expect anyone to read this, but hell, if ya do, ask questions. But don't diss me if I say something you weren't expecting. I mean, this is stuff I have been through and experienced. You try spending a day in my shoes during any one of those moments. And on top of that, all of these memories didn't start to fester, and rot, and twitch inside of me till my dad started watching a Documentary on September 11th. Of which I got into an argument with my best and really my only friend and now I feel like a complete, and utter, asshole.
This icon says it's called undecided, but to me it should be called 'void of all emotions and just make a face for the heck of it' cause that's whats going on with me right now.